The Birth of Tallow

I’m Kate, a midwife, mum and childbirth educator, and this is the story of my first birth, with my partner Nelson and our son, Tallow.

It’s hard to find words for a life-changing event, but I’ll do my best.

34 hours, together

My labour was long: about 34 hours from start to finish, 26 of them in established labour. When people hear that, they’re often shocked, or scared for their own birth. My answer is always the same.

To me, it wasn’t 34 hours of labour like you see on TV. It was 34 hours of Nelson and me working together to bring our baby into the world. It was 34 hours of falling more deeply in love with him, of him kissing, holding and massaging me, telling me how proud he was and how excited he was to meet our baby. It was our last stretch of time as just the two of us, preparing to become parents together.

I can’t describe it as anything less than amazing, life-changing and perfect.

How it unfolded

Our day began at 2am. I watched a birth film that had really resonated with me and listened to relaxation tracks while Nelson rested. At 5am I woke him and said, “Today we’re going to have a baby.” (It turned out to be the next day, but I was close!)

We walked along the beach at sunrise while I had surges every 10 minutes. Back home, we used relaxation, aromatherapy and massage, and as labour built, movement, counting and my voice. I felt in control, and Nelson helped me through all of it. We spent a lot of time in the bath and shower, at one point running out of hot water, so Nelson and Steph, our beautiful midwife, refilled it with the kettle.

By 2am the next day we all felt I was close, so we headed into the birth centre. But our boy was in no hurry. For the next 12 hours, Nelson and Steph supported me with massage, movement, water and sound, and Nelson guided me into deep rest between surges, something I’m still so proud of us both for.

At 1:38pm, Tallow was born in water, exactly as I’d hoped.

Like a marathon

Was it challenging and exhausting? Yes. But there wasn’t a single moment where I wanted to change what we were doing. I describe it like running a marathon (which I have done): months of physical and mental preparation, willpower and hard work, all leading to race day. It’s the culmination of that preparation, and how hard it is, that makes it so rewarding.

When Tallow was born, I felt like I’d joined a club of billions of women who had become mothers before me. That final moment, holding him for the first time, both of us crying, Nelson behind me with his arms around me, was the most incredible thing I’ve ever done. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

The birth I wanted

I didn’t want a quick birth, and I didn’t want a “pain-free” birth. That might sound strange, but after years as a midwife watching couples work through labour together, I’d always found it so moving to see a partner be a real part of it. That’s what I wanted, and that’s what we had.

Preparation made that possible. Even though I was a midwife, we did our own five-week HypnoBirthing course with my dear friend Amanda Bude. We chose a private midwife, Steph from My Own Midwives, and Nelson came to every antenatal appointment with me. Those appointments always left us feeling prepared and excited, with time to ask questions and talk through our wishes.

Nelson went into our birth ready for anything. He knew what to expect, he understood the process well enough to ask good questions and be my voice if needed, and he had plenty of tools to support me.

Too often as a midwife, I see partners who haven’t had any preparation. They feel anxious and helpless, and that rubs off on the birthing woman. It doesn’t have to be that way.

That’s why I’m so passionate about preparing partners. They’re usually the most trusted person in the room, and their role has a profound effect on the birthing woman.

Thank you

To Nelson, for helping me have the most beautiful labour and birth I could have asked for. To Steph from My Own Midwives, worth her weight in gold: the care we received was priceless. To Amanda Bude, for your love, education and guidance. To Anthea Thomas, for the beautiful “letting go” hypnosis sessions at 41+2 weeks (I loved being pregnant so much I needed help letting go!). To Rana Ratkin, for capturing memories that will last a lifetime. To Megan Amor for the lovely pregnancy massages, Jana at Hands on Health Chiro, Brad and Tabitha at Studio Qi, Paige Waters at The Point of Wellbeing, and Doreena at Peace Yoga and Glenda at Time for Yoga.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.